Moonwalker - Adventures of a Midnight Mountaineer

A DAY on the mountains always involves a certain degree of planning but no matter how well organised you are there will still be times when it can all get a bit frantic.

Now imagine one of your more trying experiences and multiply by 30. And that's only half of what it's like trying to plan an outing on the hills for a large group. I should know: for the past few years I have been the day meets organiser for my local mountain club. 

We have ten day outings a year, always around the middle of the month, every month bar July and August. It's a conveyor belt task – the painting of the Forth Bridge springs to mind, albeit with more brush strokes – because as soon as one is finished, it's time to start planning the next.

The role involves finding a constant variety of venues and routes, putting together the relevant groups for each route and, as we travel by coach, booking and making sure we have the appropriate size of coach and that the driver for the day knows where we are going. Oh, and making sure that the head count is always the same after every stop and start. So far no one has been lost or left behind no matter how hard they (or I) try. Emphasis very much on 'so far'. Sometimes I think I was a sheepdog in a previous existence. It's a feeling I've had since I was a puppy.

We have an online booking system which has made life easier in recent years. No more collecting fares on the coach, no more searching for change as someone hands over a £50 note. Once you have booked, you are supposed to indicate which walk you want to do. Some do, some don't.

This system is reset on the Monday morning after the weekend's outing (hence the roll-on, roll-off scenario). Bookings start trickling in at this point, but the bulk tend to arrive in the week immediately before the next walk. That week is when things really get hectic, so here for your enlightenment is an archetypal seven days in the life of a day meets secretary …

MONDAY

Contact the coach company with the travel route, logistics and the size of vehicle we are likely to need. A few more bookings but a reminder email is sent out to all members that the online system closes on Wednesday.

Weather forecast for our destination – the Mamores – is looking good: sunny, dry and clear with light winds. Too far in advance to be confident though.

First question: What's the weather going to be like? Stock answer: How would I know – I'm not Thomas Schwarzeneggernaker or whatever his name is.

TUESDAY

Bookings now starting to come in properly. Some have even expressed a preference as asked, others remain a mystery. No matter – I can hazard a guess based on past experience although I already know these will prove to be wrong. 

Weather forecast has quickly taken a turn for the worse – now rain, windy and zero chance of visibility at height. 

Question: Do you know if I will need gaiters? Stock answer: No idea.

WEDNESDAY

The online booking system closes. Someone gets in contact to say they are unable to book online. That's because the system has closed (one thing I learned long ago – no one ever reads past the first line on the information sheets available. This rule applies in all walks of life). They will now have to pay on the coach. I contact those who haven't yet picked a route to provide one. The provisional groupings list is sent out so that those attending can decide whether they wish to stick or twist with their walk choice. 

Weather forecast has taken another bad turn – heavy rain and gales. The centre for extreme pessimism, otherwise known as MWIS, suggesting winds could touch 70mph. 

Question: Do you think we will need crampons? Answer: Unlikely – it's June.

THURSDAY

The changes start coming in. Someone asks why the route they wanted to do is no longer available – turns out they have booked for the wrong month. Good to know that Ben Macdui has not suddenly made a miraculous move to the Mamores.

Weather forecast now looking extremely dangerous according to MWIS who suggest there could be 100mph gusts on the summits and flying pigs. Time to consider if we should switch the whole outing to another area. Decide to wait. First call-offs/excuses start coming in – injuries/illness/can't be arsed.

Question: Do you think it will be windy? Answer: It's Scotland – it's always windy. 

FRIDAY 

Contact the coach company again to finalise driver and contact details, a check arrangement put in place since coach failed to appear on one occasion. Send out the final (hopefully) groupings list and logistics with all the required changes. We are ready to go! Maybe. Couple more call-offs – one person says they have fallen and broken their hair.

Weather forecast has improved – MWIS now trying to pretend they haven't actually been looking at Tornado Alley in the US over last few days by mistake. 

Question: Do you know if ...? Answer: No, I *&@!%* well don't! 

SATURDAY or SUNDAY

The big day(s). If the day out is Sunday, Saturday is usually strangely quiet. I'm not sure I like that – it feels like there's an ambush coming. One last-minute call-off but most folk are there on time. We count them all on the coach and we count them all off again. Someone hands over a £50 note for the fare. Driver sets off for Loch Leven in Fife rather than Loch Leven on the west coast, but we manage to keep him right. Later, we give up counting and instead ask anyone who isn't on board to put up their hand. 

Weather now looking as though even it has become confused with all the previous forecasts. We settle for sun, rain, hail, snow, great visibility or poor visibility, wind speeds ranging from 10mph to 300mph. 

Questions: What side of the coach should we put our bags? Have I got time to go to the toilets in Tesco? Where are we going again? Answer: Aaargh! 

My head officially hurts. I tear up the logistics list into tiny pieces.

After all the drama, we have another grand day out and arrive home tired but happy. It's not long until I get the calls about someone having left their boots/fleece/jackets/gloves/spouse on the coach.

MONDAY

And then it all begins again ...