Moonwalker - Adventures of a Midnight Mountaineer

IT'S always nice to hear a good news story so the announcement that the mass roll-out of telecoms masts in the heart of our most beautiful and remote mountain areas has been significantly scaled back is one to cheer.

The £1 billion taxpayer-funded scheme is a UK Government initiative aimed at providing 4G coverage in 'not spots' – areas where there is currently little or no mobile phone signal – but the 'one size fits all' approach met with widespread opposition.

It would have meant hundreds of phone masts, access tracks and support infrastructure being built in areas far from any roads, businesses or habitation. A coalition of community councils and conservation groups, along with Mountaineering Scotland and the John Muir Trust, argued that many of these proposed sites served little practical purpose. 

They would also have caused substantial damage to our mountain environment, including wild land areas and sites near protected nature designations. For instance, one of the proposed sites was for Glen Avon, an important breeding site for golden eagles. The adverse feedback has forced the Government to substantially reduce the programme, revising the figure down from 258 masts to just 44 and focussing on where people actually live and work. There is still some concern about plans for a series of masts in the heart of the Fannaichs but the situation is being closely monitored.

Far from being a welcome development, the scheme can be viewed as just another wearying example of the contempt that elected officials of all colours seem to hold when it comes to caring for our wild land.

We have the unabated spread of wind farms no matter how unsuitable or sensitive the site; the gold rush of run of river hydro schemes that promise so much but often deliver far less – Glen Etive being a prime example: so much damage for so little reward; the march of giant pylons across the countryside when the cables could be buried under ground, like they are in so many European countries. 

There's no joined-up thinking, no sensible, co-ordinated plan. In the unseemly rush to meet unrealistic targets, it seems everything is available for sale to any dodgy geezer hoping to make a quick profit from generous subsidies and a general lack of planning oversight. Local protests mostly fall on deaf ears, confused plans being forced through at all costs. There's always plenty money for consultants though. And if at first the hired experts don't agree with the plan, then just ignore them and keep hiring others until you find someone who will give the green light.

If things carry on at the current level, I won't be surprised to see our most iconic mountains being opened up for sponsorship and cheap sales opportunities. We'll soon be met by a greeter in a clown suit deep in the Cairngorms with a Big Macdui (and a large portion of flies, of course) on the menu and a free toy for everyone who makes it to the summit.

Companies flogging beachwear, shorts and flip-flops will be hawking the latest fashions at the foot of the Ben Nevis tourist path, convincing those innocents heading uphill that their wares are de rigueur for the long trudge ahead. Well-known washing powders can advertise at either end of the Aonach Eagach, with guarantees to take out even the most stubborn of stains, perfect for a ridge where brown trousers are often referenced. 

And of course, Sky TV can easily become Skye TV, with 24-hour live coverage of ascents, reporters hanging off rock faces to catch the latest word from the climbers and a panel of experts back in the studio telling these rock tigers where they are going wrong.

This dystopian future can then go even further and faster. Those heading for Lochnagar may have to pay for the privilege and be given novelty hats with antlers so that the ruling classes can enjoy a different kind of stag shooting.

Far fetched? Maybe. But remember that the idea of Donald Trump as President of the USA was originally touted as a throwaway line on The Simpsons. You have been warned.